Wednesday, 17 March 2010

Page 9 - 11 First letturzzsch!

First attempts, so.. Yeah. Rough!


  1. Second block on the left of first picture - reads a bit funny. Would suggest:
    "Her body is wasting away.
    It screams for something
    it can't have."

    Thats the one I noticed immediately - but you might just want to read through the rest of what you have to see if the sentences have been broken down nicely.

    Oh! third blob on right of top image "it remiders her..." ... 'reminders'? I think you mean 'reminds'.

    "She wants to fall.
    It would be easy"

    Right ... I'm gonna stop, but if you want some help just proof-reading and/or seeing if the sentences seem split evenly or in a nice way, ask me (or ask your Fiance - he's the writer in your house!)

    Nite nite

  2. Yar, that was just a first rough :D

    Corey Mr Writer Man will no doubt start picking it apart ruthlessly!

  3. I like the backgrounds of these quite a bit. I feel like the dude in the last one is a bit blocky. Love the expression of the guy in the second. I wish you focused on the hand of the girl in the first, the one pushing against the window, it feels very much "Get away, give me space" while simultaneously desiring what lies past. Maybe I'm looking into it a bit much, but it seems like she's reaching out for the snow, but runs into the walls instead, and tries to push Away from them while still going Towards what she really wants.

    A few of the words sound a little stiff, but I'm sure your real critic will stomp on those, so I'll leave it to the professional dream-destroyers. :D

    Keep it up!